Attachment and rejection

One of my online friends is having a terrible time. I did not quite grasp the whole situation, it has been going on for some time and I have not followed it through all the stages of its development.  What seems to be truly vexing her is rejection. As I understand it, she desperately wants someone's friendship and the other person does not want her and feels no doubt even less inclined to be her friend simply because she is asking to be accepted (there is always in such instances a bit of power play). It's all being played out on the megasite where I have an account. The girl is distraught and writes heart rending journals in which she now threatens suicide, now begs for this person's friendship, always ending with a cry for help.
I am deeply disturbed by this reaction. There is no question that my online friend is genuinely distressed and needs a helping hand, maybe seeing a counsellor could assist  her in  tackling the root of the problem.  Inveighing against her as the other party and friends seem to be doing is not conducive to healing, nor are the endless comments flippantly left by people that by and large are not interested in her, do not know her and are simply enjoying the opportunity to vent their opinions or their own frustration.  As this is happening online and there is considerable physical distance, I am powerless, there is little I can do for her apart from sending her one or two comforting notes.
Learning about rejection and how we handle it is part of my psychotherapy training and it is therefore something I have been reflecting upon, an interest rekindled by reading about this distressing situation.  Who has not been through rejection? It is part of the human experience and one needs to look at one's childhood  in order to understand how each of us learns to cope with it.  Some of us have had painful experiences as children, not necessarily deeply traumatic ones, but nevertheless experiences that have left their mark and this may have fostered in us a deep fear of being rejected, which in turn can put a strain on our adult relationships.

One of the theories that has had a great impact in understanding child development and later adult interrelationships is that of attachment, formulated by English psychiatrist and psychoanalyst J. Bowlby. Although it was initially not well received by the psychoanalytic community because it seemed to counter some of the basic tenets of psychoanalysis, attachment theory has long been accepted in mainstream psychology and is one of the core theories informing a number of therapies.
What is attachment? In a nutshell, it is an affectional bond between an individual and an attachment figure - in relationships, attachment and the emotions associated with it form a motivating force.  In attachment theory there is no such a thing as complete independence from others, there is only effective and ineffective dependency. Secure dependency fosters autonomy, the more securely connected we are the more autonomous and independent we will be. This means that what we achieve in well adjusted relationships (or aim to achieve) is interdependence rather than self sufficiency and separateness.
In observing children and their relationship with their principal carer - usually but not exclusively the biological mother - Bowlby noted that the physical presence of the carer was not in itself indicative of  a secure attachment bond. Indifference and unresponsiveness to the child's emotional needs can be communicated to the child even whilst physically present, with devastating effects on the child's development.

According to psychotherapist Pedro Campiao:

"If attachment behaviours fail to evoke comforting responsiveness and contact from attachment figures, a prototypical process of angry protest, clinging, depression and despair occurs, culminating eventually in detachment. Depression is a natural response to loss of connection. Bowlby viewed anger in close relationships as often being an attempt to make contact with an inaccessible attachment figure and distinguished between anger of hope and the anger of despair, which becomes desperate and coercive".

I do not mean to offer any online psychotherapy advice to my friend, not knowing her circumstances in full. My psychotherapy specialty involves working through issues through movement and metaphors, so it could not be done online not even if I were fully qualified to practise (and I am not quite there). All I am trying to do is gather some thoughts about attachment and rejection, as I am preparing to write an essay. Attachment theory has to some extent helped me to understand  my own dramas and the sense of utter doom they contributed to, as well as the memory of past traumas they triggered off. 

I do feel for my online friend. Ephemeral though they may be, online friendships are increasingly playing a significant role in our lives. Sometimes for someone so distressed online contact is the only one  possible. All I can say to her is please speak with a qualified counsellor. And remember that by working on yourself you will eventually be able to achieve healthy friendships/relationships.

Attachment and rejection: no one put it more succinctly than John Lennon, below.

(All photos by Marcello Pozzetti and modelled by Alex B.)