Denial

Photographer: Graham Johnson Reprocessed by me.

One of my followers, Dwayne, a deviantArt friend who also regularly reads this blog, wrote a very thoughtful comment two days ago and I have asked him if I could publish an excerpt in this blog, because the issues he raises are very powerful. He consented.

This is what he says - I have abridged the comment: 

 Thanks for the PURE definition of Nemesis...this journal comes off to me as if you're digging deeper and deeper within yourself finding the truth and meaning of life, not just yours but the phenomenon that we all are experiencing together on this planet. I know I have these kinds of moments and should more often which means I need to do more reading and such. What you said at the end of it all (along with Jung's quote) just sums it up in one word: denial, and i'm not talking about a river that runs upstream through Egypt (khemet). It's denial that holds you back, it's denial that allows people  not to take responsibility for their actions or mistakes and just dismiss it, it's denial that crushes your spirit and breaks your brain. I'm beginning to think that it's not just how you exercise your brain let alone that you exercise it with crossword puzzles or math equations or reading or writing or anything like that which keeps your brain cells active and prevents alzheimer's but the fact that you deny things that you did in your life, the mental blocks that you place to hide or eliminate horrible memories. This is what I fear for half my family because I see them going through some serious denial these days and it's not pretty at all.

The rest of the comment is very personal, Dwayne disclosed some very personal matters. I felt honoured  by his confidence but  I also feel that I cannot use that information in my blog, even though the comment has been left on deviantArt for all to read - I usually write a teaser for my blog on my deviantArt journal and Dwayne commented under that. I admire Dwayne for being able to talk about such problems openly, he is certainly being  courageous. He is grieving for all his family but is clear about what has happened and would like everyone to confront the truth. Unfortunately, he is being perceived as the person that "cannot leave it alone" and as such is being ostracised.

 Yes, Dwayne, denial is a problem and it is very common. People prefer not to confront the truth about themselves because they are afraid it might mess up the semblance of peace they have managed to create for themselves.  Sometimes they just pretend nothing has happened or is happening, they find it easier that way. Yet they are sitting on a ticking bomb ready to explode anytime, because the issues are still there, just locked away out of sight, but still festering and rotting.  Sometimes  they may meet someone that acts as a trigger, making them relive the emotional intensity of certain experiences, reminding them of their past, or worse that person may want to make them look deep inside - as may be the case in your relationship with your brother.  This is the Nemesis I was talking about. Sometimes something will effect an extreme reaction and it will finally dawn on them  it is time for therapy or maybe  therapy is  'offered' and they have to take it. And then everything comes out in torrents. 

I am talking from experience. I have met people who rather than look inside would single me out as the cause of their problems, projecting on me. The last time this happened I had no clue about what was actually occurring and I found it devastating. I had no experience of psychotherapy not even as a client and  found myself wishing I did because things could have been very different if I had been able to draw on that knowledge while dealing with what was being thrown at me. I did not know anything about transference and countertransference, I had no clue ad did not know how to deal with it.  Now I am training to be a psychotherapist, as a result of that experience, and it is the best thing that I have ever done in my life. Among therapists I have come across people whose background is quite horrendous, but rather than being crushed by it  they decided to do something to help themselves and by doing that, help others too. They used the negative experience and turned it into something positive. Maybe you need to do something along these lines? I am not  suggesting you should train, only that getting some therapy might help you to cope.

Training to be a movement psychotherapist is a life changing decision and it has not been easy. I am not talking about the studying, the reading, the coursework which are as demanding as in any other course but not impossible to handle. It is the practice that is challenging and in ways that one needs to learn how to contain. I have very intense sessions with people at my placement, usually on a Friday. Movement psychotherapy is very much in the now, it is nothing to do with structured dance, it is about working with one's authenticity, non-verbally, using images and metaphors. Have a look at the video clip below, it might give you an idea. 

Original photo by Neil Huxtable. Models myself and Cidy Souza. Postprocessing by me.

 Even though my sessions only last for a couple of hours I often find that by the end of the day I am so absolutely exhausted, I need to sleep and do virtually nothing for the whole weekend  because the weight of other people's sorrows gets at me. I do nothing at all on a Saturday, not even a yoga class or a modelling session , which normally help me to unwind. I just need to rest. I still need to learn about boundaries, I have my support system as a trainee but it is difficult to handle other people's traumas and sometimes I come away making their fears my own, their darkness become mine, and I experience an indescribable sense of doom which I know is not my own but it feels like my own. Then I recognise it for what it is and I sleep it off.

I don't honestly know what to suggest  Dwayne, except that you keep strong. You may gently talk to your brother about doing therapy, perhaps a non-verbal one. You may want to do some yourself, again a non-verbal therapy, to help you feel grounded, I am sure you can find some good therapist in your area.  One thing I know: you cannot force anyone to look inside themselves. You cannot force anyone to stop getting out of themselves with whatever means they use (drugs, sex, alcohol, painkillers, anything). No matter how much you love them and how deeply you care for them. You can help them, but only when they come to you for help. I used to believe I could, and then got very hurt when I realised it was like wanting to walk through a wall. 

Whatever you decide to do, thank you, Dwayne, for raising the issue of denial. By sharing it, others too may want to think about it. And of course, I wish you and your family will finally be able to resolve your differences and problems. 

(All photos unless otherwise stated are modelled by AlexB)