All in the spine

Models: Alexa Taylor and me, Dark Beauty Magazine editorial. Photographer: Karolina Amberville

It was late and hot last night but my neighbour's TV was still on at nearly 2 am and extremely loud, I knew that if I opened the window the noise would assault my ears. I could not sleep, no matter how many sheep I counted. So I grabbed my phone and began to check my emails. I know that sleeping with your phone under your pillow is a very bad habit, but there you are, I am guilty of doing it. There was one email from a friend who has recently experienced a devastating loss, apologising for her tardiness in responding to an earlier message. I was struck by what she said about recovering, the way coming to terms with the passing of a loved one has involved allowing herself to listen to her body, sleeping and just being. Just being. I like that. Sometimes I do it, when I feel I need a break from the outside world, I can do it anywhere, I close my eyes and give myself permission to daydream. To be.
Still unable to sleep, I began googling this and that, the news, books, articles, blogs and I came across a beautifully written post by a woman who is a very gifted writer, most evocative, and very succinct. The post was about the moment when, as she was having mint tea in the company of a man she felt very attracted to, she realised from the way the conversation developed that he was not available. "Until that moment", she says, "desire is unfettered, then facts begin to intrude".

With Sara. Photo by Nagib El-Desouky on film Models: Myself and Sara

Oh yes. It is a common enough situation and I noticed how my own body reacted to reading those words, remembering the contraction in my lower abdomen that I held, when I found myself experiencing a very similar moment, for too long, and only much later learning to let it be and breathe into it, without giving in to the sensation of being overwhelmed, choked even. The memory was still there in my body, rekindled by what I was reading, the memory of tears welling up in my eyes, only there were no tears, I touched the corners of my eyes and they were dry. I loved the way she describes 'tasting the mintiness of her tea' and with reference to her body, how to come out of the fantasy of having him, she straightened her spine and she held herself, upright, sipping her mint tea and focusing on its taste. Time for the fantasy to stop, the body has its own way of bringing you back to reality, if you only let it.
It made me realise that holding oneself upright is a way of regaining composure and control in the moment, in the body. Our spines are really powerful tools.
 So next time I find myself experiencing this 'you cannot go there' moment I will hold my spine very straight, breathe, and walk away.