Some young men wanted to share with me that they had had meaningful relationships with older women and really enjoyed the experience. "It was not just a sexual thing" writes one of them , "it was intensely emotional".
I was a little puzzled by the comment. I never said anything in my post about sexual relationships not being emotional. In fact this is something I have always maintained, that there is not such a thing as sex with another person which is "just sex". It is a fallacy. A sexual relationship even if only a short encounter is always emotionally charged. By emotion I don't mean romantic love. But when getting close to someone physically, exchanging bodily fluids, sharing a moment of intimacy, it is never "only just sex". It is a meaningful encounter and the more open you are to it, the more meaningful it will be.
I remember reading a book about sex workers. The story the women told gave a very different perspective on the idea of sex as just sex. There was the escort girl that had been hired by a man who had lost the use of his lower body in an accident. He was young and wealthy and in a wheelchair. He wanted to feel a woman's body next to him and just be able to give the woman as much pleasure as possible. For her that was her first experience of paid sex. "I felt this huge wave of love for him"she wrote "I knew that I would never see him again after that night but while there with him I felt transported. I dont think I have ever had a better lover. I discreetly took the envelope with the money afterwards. As I was tidying myself up he said " I am sorry I messed up your make up". I left in a hurry, feeling tears rolling down my cheeks."
I believe love is something we feel and give freely, regardless of circumstances, age, physical appearance. The more we give, the more we get back. So next time you have a sexual encounter with your long term lover or a new one who may not be there afterwards open your heart and give.
powerful story......
ReplyDeleteAlex, it takes many years for young men to learn to speak and think clearly. Especially about sex. Our Anglo-Saxon society has been so "bipolar" about sexuality for so long that lots of young people feel they can only talk about it "in private."
ReplyDeleteAnd too often the media only show either unemotional sex or violent sex. I've observed especially in modern novels that writers usually only fully describe violent or fetishistic or otherwise unnatural sex acts, while for "normal" sex between people who really love each other, you only read about the first kisses and maybe some foreplay before the narrative is abruptly cut off. (There are a few exceptions. Science fiction author Pamela Sargent depicts loving sex with detail and honesty in her novels and stories.)
So I imagine that lots of young people know next to nothing about truly loving sexuality, and thus their first experiences with it overwhelm them, so they have to say "This is different!" Not at all like most people our age, who know the difference between loving sex and the other kind, and also know that the other kind is worth exactly nothing.
I want to whole heartedly agree with you on the points you make in this post.
ReplyDeleteI believe love is like an ever flowing well. The more we give the more love we have to give.
some of us have the experience of loving our parents, loving our siblings, loving our spouse and loving our children. The love we give is all love. When I hug my spouse, my children, in fact when I hug anyone very close or not so close, I self consciously open my heart to them as our hearts touch.
I have experienced that I always have enough love for the person I am with at the moment.
Hugs are physical. Our society does not support the more than hugging as an appropriate physical expression, so I limit going beyond hugging to my wife.
A other times and in other cultures more intimate expressions could be used with more than one's spouse.
What my point is here, just because I choose not to have sex with all my family members, does not mean the way I open my heart to them is any less than how I open my heart with one I have intimate sex.
I know this would surprise many I have hugged.
Too bad our cultural brain washing has given us a sense of both sex and love as limited and quantifiable. I have found the opposite to be true.
And as the sex worker illustrates with her story, there is no such thing as just sex, or casual sex. We can open our hearts at a moments notice to our closest intimate or to a complete stranger.
Alex, your words show both your wisdom and your empathy.
ReplyDelete