The importance of knowing about the significance of gift giving is essential in cross cultural interactions - there was a bit of gossip when the Obamas met the Browns a year or so ago and 'wrong' gifts were exchanged. Anyone who has business dealings in the Middle East, for example, is usually primed on the gift etiquette of the Arab speaking people in order to avoid giving offense. This is often crucial and a prerequisite to conducting business.
I come from a relatively extended family with a complex etiquette of gift giving. It is so convoluted that faux pas are made all the time and on my last visit I apparently managed to behave in a way that some relatives of mine have found bordering on rudeness and showing an uncaring attitude.
A gift is not simply a nice gesture and a token of love and affection, even though that is the main idea behind it - and I swear that to me this is what it is. No, a gift is a lot more than that. A gift can be given to smooth out an awkward social situation. It can be given as a bribe. Or it can be given as a way to insult someone without ever uttering an improper word.
The gift as an insult is something that needs some mastering. It requires:
1. a highly suspicious mind on the part of the giftee who must be easily prone to taking offense and be a bit of a puffed up ball
2. a wry sense of humour on the part of the giver and ideally
3. an ongoing feud.
I have happily received gifts which were meant as an insult but I never suspected it, and even when I did, it did not bother me so I enjoyed the gift and left the giver to brood and consider why they had not managed to upset me at all. But then I do not take offense easily and I am not a puffed up ball.
If an ongoing feud is not available, the next ingredient is a relationship that is difficult and full of pitfalls and definitely not one in which the misunderstandings can be easily undone, without causing problems all round e.g. think of a mother-in-law and a daughter-in-law, who positively dislike each other and who, for as long as the marriage to the son lasts will have to interact on certain occasions and exchange gifts perforce. Or siblings who resent each other, especially if one of their parents is not the same - different mother and/or different father. Or ex partners. These are not the only scenarios. Just imagine any situation with the potential for conflict and you are in business.
The gift as an insult maybe anything, from an item of clothing deliberately chosen in the wrong size, to make the point that the recipient is too fat or too thin or too short or whatever other shortcoming you may want to emphasize, knowing that the recipient will mind, to a gift item which the giver knows is going to be much disliked, or something that can be taken as a criticism - have you ever agonised over the hidden meaning of a deodorant given to you as a gift?
The gift as an insult is also given in situations where the giftee has been guilty of very rude behaviour towards the giver. When I say "gift as an insult" let me clarify that I am not including in this category an uncouth message full of four letter words sent on someone's birthday, for example, as a birthday present. That belongs to the gutter and hardly ever has any lasting impact. No, I am talking about really nice presents, given to make a point.
"Quidquid id est, timeo Danaos et dona ferentes" said Laocoon in the Aeneid à propos the Greeks' famous horse. "Whatever that is, I fear the Greeks when they bear presents" Imagine the situation: the person who has been guilty of bad behaviour or with whom you have had a fight receives a gift from you, the person they have upset (and who would be entitled to an apology). This is done at the earliest opportunity, a birthday or some such. Ostensibly, it is a peace making gift, a lovely gesture whose message would be 'Let bygones be bygones, all is forgiven', just as the Greeks did to the Trojans. But, without necessarily being in a Trojan war scenario, at the very least the giver does not give a damn about the recipient, s/he is simply making a statement about their own superiority in manners, upbringing and, possibly, class (if you live in the UK, class distinction and awareness of class distinction is something you can never ever forget, it is a defining trait of English culture).
The recipient here has a few options: s/he can return the gift, but that would be seen as uncouth by everyone so the gift giver would still be superior (besides the gift could be reused, so the giver is definitely not going to lose out). He could throw the gift away - but usually the giver will choose something that cannot be thrown away so easily, a gift subscription to a magazine for example , or a year gym membership (double insult), or something along those lines. Besides what is the point of throwing a gift away if the giver cannot see this is what is being done to the gift?
If that is the chosen course of action, the giver will still be able to demonstrate their superiority because this is in the act of giving, with all the fanfare that accompanies the gift, what happens to it afterwards is of no consequence - and someone who is giving for the purpose of insulting will make sure that several others will know about the gift.
The recipient could pretend the gift was never given and never thank the giver, thus proving their complete lack of social graces, a point that the giver was bent on making and will make sure the rest of the world (well, immediate community) knows about. Or they could bide their time and retaliate and it would be up to them to find suitable means to do so, usually through a gift of their own.
Or, in a very laid back manner, they could quietly accept the gift, even thank the giver and get on with their lives, something I personally would choose to do.
What was my faux pas? When I met my brother's grandchildren I gave them presents bought in Italy rather than England. That was construed as me not caring much about the children and buying my presents at the last minute and as an afterthought. However, the children liked them - my reason for acting like I did was that I did not know them well and needed to spend a couple of days with them to see what they really liked, which I did. So now I am known as a delightful great-aunt - yes, I am a great-aunt, is that not wonderful?
(All photos modelled by Alex B.)
Photographer: David J.Green
A gift is not simply a nice gesture and a token of love and affection, even though that is the main idea behind it - and I swear that to me this is what it is. No, a gift is a lot more than that. A gift can be given to smooth out an awkward social situation. It can be given as a bribe. Or it can be given as a way to insult someone without ever uttering an improper word.
1. a highly suspicious mind on the part of the giftee who must be easily prone to taking offense and be a bit of a puffed up ball
2. a wry sense of humour on the part of the giver and ideally
3. an ongoing feud.
I have happily received gifts which were meant as an insult but I never suspected it, and even when I did, it did not bother me so I enjoyed the gift and left the giver to brood and consider why they had not managed to upset me at all. But then I do not take offense easily and I am not a puffed up ball.
If an ongoing feud is not available, the next ingredient is a relationship that is difficult and full of pitfalls and definitely not one in which the misunderstandings can be easily undone, without causing problems all round e.g. think of a mother-in-law and a daughter-in-law, who positively dislike each other and who, for as long as the marriage to the son lasts will have to interact on certain occasions and exchange gifts perforce. Or siblings who resent each other, especially if one of their parents is not the same - different mother and/or different father. Or ex partners. These are not the only scenarios. Just imagine any situation with the potential for conflict and you are in business.
The gift as an insult is also given in situations where the giftee has been guilty of very rude behaviour towards the giver. When I say "gift as an insult" let me clarify that I am not including in this category an uncouth message full of four letter words sent on someone's birthday, for example, as a birthday present. That belongs to the gutter and hardly ever has any lasting impact. No, I am talking about really nice presents, given to make a point.
"Quidquid id est, timeo Danaos et dona ferentes" said Laocoon in the Aeneid à propos the Greeks' famous horse. "Whatever that is, I fear the Greeks when they bear presents" Imagine the situation: the person who has been guilty of bad behaviour or with whom you have had a fight receives a gift from you, the person they have upset (and who would be entitled to an apology). This is done at the earliest opportunity, a birthday or some such. Ostensibly, it is a peace making gift, a lovely gesture whose message would be 'Let bygones be bygones, all is forgiven', just as the Greeks did to the Trojans. But, without necessarily being in a Trojan war scenario, at the very least the giver does not give a damn about the recipient, s/he is simply making a statement about their own superiority in manners, upbringing and, possibly, class (if you live in the UK, class distinction and awareness of class distinction is something you can never ever forget, it is a defining trait of English culture).
The recipient here has a few options: s/he can return the gift, but that would be seen as uncouth by everyone so the gift giver would still be superior (besides the gift could be reused, so the giver is definitely not going to lose out). He could throw the gift away - but usually the giver will choose something that cannot be thrown away so easily, a gift subscription to a magazine for example , or a year gym membership (double insult), or something along those lines. Besides what is the point of throwing a gift away if the giver cannot see this is what is being done to the gift?
The recipient could pretend the gift was never given and never thank the giver, thus proving their complete lack of social graces, a point that the giver was bent on making and will make sure the rest of the world (well, immediate community) knows about. Or they could bide their time and retaliate and it would be up to them to find suitable means to do so, usually through a gift of their own.
Photographer: Michael Culhane
What was my faux pas? When I met my brother's grandchildren I gave them presents bought in Italy rather than England. That was construed as me not caring much about the children and buying my presents at the last minute and as an afterthought. However, the children liked them - my reason for acting like I did was that I did not know them well and needed to spend a couple of days with them to see what they really liked, which I did. So now I am known as a delightful great-aunt - yes, I am a great-aunt, is that not wonderful?
My view is that a gift is a gift and I will always accept it, even if given with the intention of insulting me. It is a state of mind, I choose not see the insult and choose to appreciate the gesture of giving. I have learnt a very important lesson: if you see others always in a negative light, this is how you will be perceived. Why get caught up in an endless paranoia?
(All photos modelled by Alex B.)
Great post, Alex, and something I had not thought about for some time. One Christmas my mother, who does not like me, bought me a towel set with the word "Princess" embellished on them. My nephew warned me what was coming, so when I opened the gift, I said, "Oh, how lovely!! I can use these for my dog's bath" (my mother also calls my dog a spoiled brat).
ReplyDeleteThis is the worst example of insult gift giving in my family, but I am recalling many more. Why would a family member deliberately give insulting gifts (not what you did)? If we did not adhere to expectations and gave gifts only when inspired, perhaps there would be less vengeance-by-gift. Or perhaps not.
Thank you for an inspiring post. I may respond with one.
Thank you UL for your comment and i look forward to reading a complementary post. I honestly think that the insulting gift is a mind game. As such one can remove oneself from it, regardless of the intention. My gift was not seen as insulting but not properly thought out. On the other hand the two children were happy and that is what matters.
ReplyDeleteMy wife and I are close friends with another couple who give each other the tackiest gifts possible for birthdays and Christmas. Some examples are black velvet Elvis paintings, awful golden unicorn clocks (very nice for a man's garage), and many other eye sores. Both couples take great pleasure in finding, buying, giving and receiving such horrific things. For our relationship with this couple, we would be hurt if the other side gave an actual nice gift. The love is in the shared definition of the gift.
ReplyDeleteAs for the insulting gift, I try to take your path and graciously accept it and use it. I hate to see things go to waste. Even if the gift is meant as insult, at least they were thinking of me.
As for your gifts from Italy, I would be the happiest kid in the world to get one from there. You are a great aunt.