Boundaries

Photographer: DG

It did not feel right to post about this yesterday when the whole world was joining in the fun of the young royals wedding day. But not all of us live a fairy tale...

This is about a young woman. I have been carrying her sorrow with me and I almost felt choked by it, every time I thought of her. For me it's a lesson in drawing boundaries.

She sent two emails earlier in the week saying she wanted to meet me to discuss her forthcoming assignment. I was miffed because by now she should have sent me a draft for feedback, the time for discussion and focusing on a topic was over. But I told her to meet me in my office at 10.30 am on thursday anyway.Her messages had been brief and courteous, I thought I should see her but be firm about requesting a draft, expecting the usual list of excuses, dog ate my notebook etc.

She was there at 10.30 on the dot, knocked on the door and came in. Petite and skinny, she was wearing shorts, her legs and arms covered in bruises. Her nose had recent scars, still in the process of healing. She sat on the chair and drew up her legs - this girl has no boundaries, I thought, she is seeing her tutor, the meeting is formal and yet she is behaving as if I was one of her pals. But I said nothing. Barely nineteen years old, she is a second year student, I am not her personal tutor, I have only taught her a module .

Photographer: Andy "Keenbeginner"

"Have you had an accident?" I could not help asking. "No, my boyfriend beat me up". I almost gasped. "it's all right" she said. "I collected all my belongings yesterday, I am seeing a counsellor, have seen my GP, am being looked after" She paused then continued "I need you to help me a bit. I want an extension of the deadline and some tutorial support. I don't want to repeat the year". I felt tears welling up and had to take a deep breath. "Sure. Have you gone to the faculty office" and I quickly tried to navigate her through the burocratic hurdles. She had done everything. I did not want to push her and ask too many questions but I had to know. As I looked at her she seemed so frail. She reminded of myself at 16. I too was skinny, I suffered from eating disorders back then, like she had, as she told me later. With very little prompting she began to tell me how after receiving one beating too many she had realised she had to leave. She went to stay with friends during the Easter break - her parents dont know anything - and only yesterday she plucked up the courage to go and pick up her things from the rented house she, this guy and other students were sharing. I did not get much information about him except that he was a student too, just a little older and he has had a troubled life. "I still love him" she said sheepishly "He just has an anger management problem and is not too good with women". "Girl,this is not the time to think of him" I nearly raised my voice. "What about you? It's time to love yourself a bit more" I had to leave it there, someone else is counselling her, such boundaries are important. If she had come to me first I would have taken a more active role, but at this point in time all I can do is help her with her assignment. We moved on to discuss it. "I really want to work on it" she said "it will help me to regain confidence in myself."

I thought she was brave. She was able to think rationally about it. Her pain must be immense, not so much the physical pain of the bruises, but the emotional one, the insults she constantly heard, being told he despises her, being told the sight of her makes him sick. She is just a girl! I hope she gets all the help she needs.

It can happen to all of us, I reflected later, after she left. My student was hit for very trivial reasons, most of the time that is the case for all such beatings. She won't press charges, she is still hoping he might see the light and become overnight the wonder she believes he is. It will take her time to wean herself from him, clearly she has connected with him at a deep level, she too has a troubled history, an unstable childhood, anorexia. Of course she believes deep down that she must have done something wrong, she must have provoked him or he would not have lashed out on her. In other words, she is taking all responsibility away from him. This will stay with her for a longtime. This girl needs to be loved and needs to love herself through another, it is this that makes her so vulnerable. She is looking for acceptance. But through therapy she will regain her strength. At least one hopes.

Photographer: Marcello Pozzetti

It is most unfortunate that men - it is mostly men, but sometimes women do it too - like her boyfriend go about life believing they are the ones who have been wronged, they never feel any remorse for what they have done, they will use the 'provocation' excuse to justify their behaviour and will do it again and again. They believe it is acceptable for them to yell and show they are in charge and throw tantrums. In many ways they have to believe this or they will crumble. Unless...unless someone gets hold of them and manages to put them through counselling. Now that I am training as a therapist I know it is not a question of saying you are evil, you must be punished. It never is that, not usually. This young man who was not able to stop himself from hurting his girlfriend also needs help. Not from her, she has to be firm and avoid seeing him, until she gets stronger. But he needs to be taught how to manage his anger and  look at that anger's causes. 

He is still young and can do it. He is probably as scared as she is and unable to fully grasp the implications of what happened.

But all said and done, I can do nothing. That's why I mentioned boundaries. I dont even know him, whereas I know her. I cannot discuss this matter with her, I am not her counsellor, merely her tutor. But her pain has been with me and I have to admit I cried for her.

The flipside of being a therapist, said a therapist friend,  is that you really need to protect yourself and not take home other people's emotions and problems. You need to find a way to say 'Stop'. You need very strong boundaries. Otherwise "We will end up dead within a week of beginning to practise".

I guess I need to do more modelling. That's a way to switch off.

(All photos modelled by Alex B.)