A murderer in the family

Photographer: Toby Slater-Hunt Model: me

Since the Oslo mass murders there have been several articles written about Anders Breivik and his very normal middle class family background. His father Jens, a former diplomat, tracked down in France, where he now lives with his third wife,  said in an interview that Anders should have turned the gun on himself, adding that he was ashamed of him and that he would never see him again for the rest of his life. Katherine Birbalsingh, a teacher and educator, commented in The Telegraph  that actually Jens Breivik has much to answer for in connection with his son's psychological make up. Strong views.
It is impossible to condone Anders Breivik's actions, and yet, hearing his father say that he would never again acknowledge him as his own somehow does not sound right.

That of Breivik  is a very extreme, truly horrifying case and one which is too recent to allow us to view it dispassionately. But it raises an issue that is often swept under the carpet.  Criminals do have families. So what happens if your father, your son or your brother commits a serious criminal offense which involves taking someone else's life? How does it affect you? How does it affect your subsequent relationship with the family member who is a felon? How does it affect your psychological make up and the perception of you that others have? How does it affect your relationships with others, especially the significant others in your life?
Reactions vary. On one hand there is shame and the desire to distance oneself, on the other there are still feelings of affection for the family member, with whom you have shared a substantial part of your life, and often the inability to comprehend how things could have turned the way they did. And yes, there is also a sense of guilt. Inevitably, as a son, daughter, mother, father, or a sibling, you ask yourself whether you could have done anything, anything at all to prevent it from happening. But what?

Then there are societal attitudes. If your brother has killed, there will be those that will secretly wonder whether you too could kill, perhaps in cold blood -  the irrational "it must be in the family" response, so to speak. Not to mention how the family member's criminal record, once the family member leaves prison, can affect practical matters such as certain types of insurance and in some cases,  might lead to your being very carefully scrutinised if you are applying for certain jobs - and the criminal record is definitely not yours! I recently read in a forum about a couple of people involved in teaching who were worried about their siblings' criminal record affecting their employment. It should not, it would be illegal, but  no one was able to give a clear answer.
Even more worrying was reading about attitudes of total condemnation of those that have spent time in prison, have paid their debt to society and are now trying to make a new life for themselves. I wrote a post way back again about a very extreme case, that of Venables and Thompson who killed little Jamie Bulger back in 1993 and I discussed  the reactions of those who would not admit of welcoming them back into society. People will always be divided. As I said in that post, we are all capable of murder. However, most of us choose not to do it. And those of us who do it need some help to understand why we should not do it and some support to change our behaviour. People can change and we should try to give them the chance to accomplish that change. 
It will be hard to advocate that for Breivik but it is the only civilised way of responding, beating hatred with love.