"Aint no such thing" by JonMWells
Following my post on schizophrenia a deviantArt member JonMWells left this moving comment, which I reproduce in its entirety.
"My brother was diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic when he was in his early thirties but I think the very first time he showed signs that something wasn't right was long before that as he was becoming a teenager and it only got worse as time went by. So as you can see this was somewhat late in coming and did little to improve the quality of his life over the years. Psychiatrists would prescribe meds and he'd do one of two things. He would either abuse his meds taking them to get high (keep in mind this was over thirty years ago) or he would throw them out and self medicate with illegal drugs or what he liked to call natural treatments including Marijuana, Peyote, Psilocybin and others. As the years have gone by he's mellowed somewhat but he still smokes his pot every day despite the fact that he has lung and throat cancer and it does nothing to really help him.
He has his good days when he remembers I am his brother and would never do anything to harm him and he may even call his Mother Mom. We may spend time fishing together and talking. One particular piece of my art is based on one of those conversations as fantastic as it was (see above and also here). It is a conversation that I hold dear in my memory and I hope never to forget.
On a bad day he thinks his Mother is someone else and I won't name her here. He thinks I'm out to get him or even kill him. He hides himself away and does terrible things to himself cutting, burning himself, destroying himself in new and more horrible ways each day until his Doctors have to step in. I've lost count of the number of times he's tried to kill himself.
This is my own experience with schizophrenia. I Love my brother and I miss the days when we could spend time together and I wouldn't have to worry about him. As his close family members it is unforgivable that we were never allowed to have anything to do with his treatment so I have no idea the true horror he's lived. I do know that because of his condition he's been stepped on, persecuted, and over the years misdiagnosed. He's been put in jail, blamed for things he couldn't possibly do, and avoided by many of his own family members. His has been a frightening and lonely existence, one that on his good days he'd never wish on another human being and never even on his bad days. His life will soon be over. He gets worse as his health deteriorates so no one can get near him. I think of him every day and I wish him well but I can only hope he'll be put in the hospital so he won't be alone when his time comes and I hope maybe I can see him one more time on, a good day."
There is no need for me to say any more. The story is self explanatory...
I just wanted to add that the paranoia which sometimes accompanies schizophrenia can be extremely harrowing. Paranoia in itself is not a symptom of schizophrenia, there is also a "paranoid personality disorder" and other psychoses are accompanied by paranoia. It is a particularly debilitating condition, the person affected by paranoia sees deceit everywhere, engendering in him or her a profound mistrust in human relationships, the idea that everyone and specific people are out there to get them. They may be prone to violent panic attacks. As a result of their extreme suspiciousness, the paranoid person may become totally devoid of empathy, if they believe you are the cause and perpetrator of their unhappiness they will lash out, and even attack you. I have met one or two people in my life that exhibited strong paranoid tendencies, unable to form emotional bonds, withdrawn, grudge-bearing . They seemed to carry within a sadness that is hard to describe in words, the kind of sadness that deeply touches you and makes you want to reach out to them. But because of their intense suspiciousness they are most reluctant to enter into a relationship of trust with anyone, which makes it particularly challenging for a therapeutic intervention of any sort. I am currently reading Lacan's take on paranoia, it is fascinating. I might do a blog post about it.
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