My inner goddess is constantly vomiting and needs electrolyte powder

I have finally read Fifty Shades, curious to know what the fuss was about. I only paid £3 to download it on my Kindle but I still feel like asking for my money back. This is complete and utter drivel. It's not even a fairy tale, it's just a stupid, stupid tale.
The plot seems to have been concocted by a 16 year old, with totally unbelievable and flat characters. He, Christian, is 27, a self made multi-billionaire who never seems to be doing any work, obviously handsome and sexy. She, Anastasia , Ana for short,  is (of course) a  beautiful but very shy 22 year old who has never had sex, never even thought about it, a university student who has never had her own email address (!). She sounds more like a 14 year old except that it would have been reprehensible  to have a heroine that young in a book about some twisted version of BDSM that sounds more like domestic abuse than anything else. Written in bad English, full of repetitions and inconsequential references to Ana's inner goddess, whatever that means, who has the habit of coming out with the most inane phrases ever (my inner goddess is dancing the merengue with salsa moves), the sex scenes are so incredibly boring, after a while I found myself skimming through the book and trying to get to the end of this tale hoping against hope that there might be some interesting development. No chance of that. Christian (Fifty Shades) seems to have been permanently marked by the traumatic event  of being adopted, aged 4, by a loving and wealthy perfect family. This has given him the need to be a control freak and a stalker. The underlying message seems to be that adoption can be psychologically extremely damaging. Oh and in Seattle, where the scene is set, people speak British English - I never knew that!

Photographer: Colin M.

I will not say more but for your amusement here is a selection of comments by readers who like me have felt short changed:

"Mills and Boon for the sexually impaired!!!" (alonsofson)


"I read Fifty Shades to see what all the fuss was about. Next I'm hoping to move up to Janet & John Key Stage 2 books, though mummy says they have even bigger words." (Jockcousteau)

(Source: Comments)





"Why has it sold so many copies?


"Well, its not that you can lend your copy to a friend, after using it, I mean reading it"(lemonentry)


(Source: Comments)


And finally from Amazon .com, this is by Catherine Gurski echoed by thousands:


"Holy Moly - How on Earth did this get published? The main male character is an abusive self-centered jerk... the main female character is a sniveling idiot... the plot is terrible... the love scenes worse... and the writing? Adolescent. The ending felt like premature - never mind, keeping it clean. I'd give it 0 stars if I could" (Source: Amazon Customer Reviews)


Meanwhile EL James is laughing all the way to the bank and, shite, I have contributed to this...

(All photos modelled by Alex B.)