Friday, 10 August 2012

My inner goddess is constantly vomiting and needs electrolyte powder

I have finally read Fifty Shades, curious to know what the fuss was about. I only paid £3 to download it on my Kindle but I still feel like asking for my money back. This is complete and utter drivel. It's not even a fairy tale, it's just a stupid, stupid tale.
The plot seems to have been concocted by a 16 year old, with totally unbelievable and flat characters. He, Christian, is 27, a self made multi-billionaire who never seems to be doing any work, obviously handsome and sexy. She, Anastasia , Ana for short,  is (of course) a  beautiful but very shy 22 year old who has never had sex, never even thought about it, a university student who has never had her own email address (!). She sounds more like a 14 year old except that it would have been reprehensible  to have a heroine that young in a book about some twisted version of BDSM that sounds more like domestic abuse than anything else. Written in bad English, full of repetitions and inconsequential references to Ana's inner goddess, whatever that means, who has the habit of coming out with the most inane phrases ever (my inner goddess is dancing the merengue with salsa moves), the sex scenes are so incredibly boring, after a while I found myself skimming through the book and trying to get to the end of this tale hoping against hope that there might be some interesting development. No chance of that. Christian (Fifty Shades) seems to have been permanently marked by the traumatic event  of being adopted, aged 4, by a loving and wealthy perfect family. This has given him the need to be a control freak and a stalker. The underlying message seems to be that adoption can be psychologically extremely damaging. Oh and in Seattle, where the scene is set, people speak British English - I never knew that!
Photographer: Colin M.

I will not say more but for your amusement here is a selection of comments by readers who like me have felt short changed:

"Mills and Boon for the sexually impaired!!!" (alonsofson)

"I read Fifty Shades to see what all the fuss was about. Next I'm hoping to move up to Janet & John Key Stage 2 books, though mummy says they have even bigger words." (Jockcousteau)

(Source: Comments)

"Why has it sold so many copies?

"Well, its not that you can lend your copy to a friend, after using it, I mean reading it"(lemonentry)

(Source: Comments)

And finally from Amazon .com, this is by Catherine Gurski echoed by thousands:

"Holy Moly - How on Earth did this get published? The main male character is an abusive self-centered jerk... the main female character is a sniveling idiot... the plot is terrible... the love scenes worse... and the writing? Adolescent. The ending felt like premature - never mind, keeping it clean. I'd give it 0 stars if I could" (Source: Amazon Customer Reviews)

Meanwhile EL James is laughing all the way to the bank and, shite, I have contributed to this...

(All photos modelled by Alex B.)

Saturday, 4 August 2012

Catching my breath

It has been a busy week, with no time to post. I am settling into this routine of regular daily exercise if i can help it, which for me has to be done in a class situation, especially if it is Pilates, and also going back and forth to London quite often - every time I move away from London I realise I cannot live without it, it's the reason why I made it my home. My love affair with London spans at least a couple of decades now and despite all its shortcomings I love the metropolis to bits. Admittedly, I go back for work reasons: yesterday I had a shoot for M&S beauty products which I could not miss. But I like going home on a Sunday (and my regular yoga class on sunday afternoon!). I seem to be the only one among the cast who moves back and forth, I was talking the other day to the company manager and he told me he never goes back home while on tour, not even on the days when there are no performances. I guess it's also to do with the fact that since my role is rather small I dont have to keep on rehearsing, so I have more spare time than the others, more freedom to move around, so long as I am there for my call time.
I am getting used to the strange rituals of theatre people. Yesterday it was press night and suddenly there were good luck cards, chocolates and various small gifts. I did not know 'press night'  was such a big deal and felt really bad about not reciprocating. I naively thought that the opening night was the 'one', yet it went through as if it was a rehearsal. But yesterday was special. One of the cards I was given, by the leading lady, was amazing.  It was a Norman Parkinson's postcard

Photographer: Norman Parkinson, The Italian Collection, three little black dresses, 1961
Norman Parkinson archive, ArtPress Publishing Ltd

So beautiful and elegant! Later, at the party, I managed to thank everyone and I was then told that the next big night is the final one of the tour, so now I have been forewarned. 
Apart from the M&S shoot which I am really proud of - M&S has chosen models of different ages, different skin colours and generally, different types, to advertise its new range of beauty products, I have had the opportunity of doing an art nude shoot in Salisbury and I really love the images, thank you Stuart!
I am writing in a hurry today, mostly to reassure my followers that I am still around and no, I have not given up blogging. It's just a little difficult to cram everything in 24 hours.